Musings

Just stuff I found amusing.

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Only a man would attempt this!

Published 6 April, 2013 | By wbd1213

A friend posted this on Facebook. I couldn't stop laughing. It sounds like something I would do.  I just had to share it here.

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.gal_taser1

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home… I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

  • a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
  • a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
  • a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
  • Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE… !!!

zappedI'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

  • My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
  • The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
  • My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
  • My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
  • I had no control over the drooling.
  • Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
  • I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
  • I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

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Rules for Women

Published 1 April, 2013 | By wbd1213

Here are a set of rules created by men for women:
 

  1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

  2. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

  3. Crying is blackmail.

  1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

  2. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

  3. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

  4. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

  5. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

  6. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

  7. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

  8. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

  9. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

  1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

  2. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

  3. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

  4. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

  5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

  6. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

  7. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

  8. You have enough clothes.

  9. You have too many shoes.

  10. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

  11. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

  12. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

  13. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

 

 

 

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Funny Pick-Up Lines

Published 19 March, 2013 | By wbd1213

A song from your lips is an aria from heaven.

Are you a parking ticket? (What?) You got fine written all over you.

Are you a tamale? 'Cause you're hot.

As she's leaving….Hey aren't you forgetting something? She: What? Me!

Ask a woman for the time. "10:30? So today is January 10,1999, at 10:30 PM, thanks I just wanted to be able to remember the exact moment that I met you."

Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call fine print

Baby, somebody better call God, cuz he's missing an angel!

Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.

Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.

Can i get your picture to prove to all my friends that angels really do exist?

Can I have directions? [“To where?”] To your heart.

(Close hand with nothing inside and give it to her) It's my breath from when you took it away (open palm while saying this).

Coffee? Tea? Me?

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?

Did you have Campbell's soup today? (she answers yes/no) Because you're lookin' mmm… mmm… good!

Do you have room in your life for another friend?

Do you have the time? [Gives the time] No, the time to write down my number?

Does Levi's pay you for wearing those and looking that good?

Does my breath smell okay?

Does your watch have a second hand? I want to know how long it took for me to fall in love with you.

Don't walk into that building — the sprinklers might go off!

Don't you know me from somewhere?

Ever since I met you, you've lived in my heart without paying any rent.

Excuse me miss, I don't mean to stare, but um I think you're really Beautiful"

Excuse me miss? You dropped something back there? (As you look around you ask "where") Over there! (Ask again: "What did I drop?") He answers back: My jaw!

Excuse me, but did you happen to find my Nobel Peace Prize?

Excuse me, I don't want you to think I'm ridiculous or anything, but you are the most gorgeous girl/guy I have ever seen. I just felt like I had to tell you.

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

Excuse me, I think you have something in your eye. Nope, it's just a sparkle.

Excuse me, I'm looking for a friend…do you want to be my friend?

Excuse me, is that your perfume that you are wearing?

Good evening. May a thorn sit down amongst the roses?

Great choice of clothes, they match the trim in the Jag

Guy: What's your name? Girl: Danielle Guy: Oh… I thought it was Aphrodite.

Guy: Did I see u somewhere? Girl: No Guy: Then I must of seen you in my dreams! (works everytime)

I've seen till I gazed into your eyes

He: You look like my third wife. She: Oh, how many time have you been married? He: Twice.

Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart.

Hello. Are you taking any applications for a boy/girlfriend?

Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.

Hey, come here often? You could, with me.

Hey, don't frown – you'll never know who might be falling in love with your smile.

Hey, don't I know you? Yeah, you're the girl/guy with the beautiful smile.

Hey, haven't I seen you before? I remember, it was in my dreams!

Hey, how did you do that? (What?) Look so good?

Hey, I lost my phone number … Can I have yours?

Hey, Laura! (Big hug). I haven't seen you forEVER!! (huge kiss) Wow, you've really changed! (I'm not Laura) What? Oh my God, you even changed your name!

Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?

Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

Hi, my name's Right…Mr. Right.

Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

Hi. Are you cute?

Hi. I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?

Hi. My name is {name}. I'm running for president in 2012. And I could sure use your vote. Here…write down your number and I'll call you to discuss my platform.

I don't know you, but I think I love you already.

I dropped a tear in the ocean, the day I find it is the day I'll stop loving you.

I envy your lipstick.

I have a cat. She would really like to meet you.

I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?

I have only three months to live.

I must be a snowflake, 'cuz I've fallen for you.

I must be in heaven because I'm standing next to you!

I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.

I never thought that heaven would be so close to me"

I play the field, and it looks like I just hit a home run with you.

I saw you, I had an asthma attack because you took my breath away!

I think I feel like Richard Gere – I'm standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.

I think I must be dying because I'm looking at Heaven.

I think my medication is wearing off.

I think you've got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's just a sparkle.

I tried to find the perfect line to make you mine, sweetheart, but after searching all I could come up with was this look in my eyes and your hand in mine, and the words, will you be mine?

If a star fell for every time i thought of you, the sky would be empty.

If beauty were a grain of sand, you'd be a million beaches.

If beauty were sunlight, you'd shine from a million light-years away.

If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity.

If God made anything more pretty, I'm sure he'd keep it for himself.

If I could be anything I'd be a tear: Born in your eye, live on your cheek, and die at your lips.

If water were beauty you'd be the ocean.

If you know a person's name: "Hi, [name]." How did you know my name? "Isn't every beautiful girl named that?"

If you were a laser, you'd be set on "stunning".

If you were a library book, I would check you out.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.

I'm addicted to yes, and I'm allergic to no. So what's it gonna be?

I'm feeling kind of insecure right now. Could I have a hug?

I'm invisible. (Really?) Can you see me? (Yes) How about tomorrow night?

I'm looking for a friend…do you want to be my friend?

Is that baby oil on your forehead? Cause you shine like an angel.

Is there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I've been searching for!

Is there an airport nearby or is that my heart taking off?

Is your daddy a thief? [“No.”] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say “yes.”]

Is your name Gillette? Because you're the best a man can get

It must be a day off in heaven for an angel like you to be amongst us.

It must be dark outside. 'Cause all the sunshine in the world is right here.

It's always good for you to see me again.

It's my birthday! How about a birthday kiss? [Is it really your birthday?]

No, but how about a kiss anyway?

It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.

I've been noticing you not noticing me.

I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade.

[Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?", say "Checking to see if you were made in heaven."

Man, you sure are bright girl! Were you raised by the stars?

Many people will walk in and out of your life. But only lovers will leave a footprint on your heart. And you my dear have left one great leap on mine!

May I have the distinguished honor and privilege of sitting next to you?

My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.

My psychiatrist sent me for an MRI because she thinks I have a magnetic personality.

Nice to meet you, I'm (your name) and you are…gorgeous!

Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!

Ok, I'm here, what do you want for your next wish?

Please don't go or else I will have to make a report to the cops….u stole my heart

Pull my finger.

Say, didn't we go to different schools together?

Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?

Smile if you want me!

So, are you going to give me your phone number, or am I going to have to stalk you?

That's a nice watch [Thank you] Actually, that’s a nice dress. [Again, thank you] Come to think of it, everything is nice on you.

The only thing your eyes haven't told me about you is your name.

There aren't enough "O"'s in the word "smooth" to describe how smooth you are.

Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this tall….I'm sitting on my wallet."

(Walk over to her)"Ok, you can stand next to me, as long as you don't talk about it."

Walk up to a guy/girl hold up a $100 (or more if you're desperate) dollar bill and rip it in half in front of his/her face write your phone number on half of it and hand it to them. Then say, "how about you call me tomorrow and we'll figure out a way to spend this money?"

Was you Father an Alien? Cos honey on planet earth there's nothing else like you!

Was your dad king for a day? He must have been to make a princess(or prince) like you.

Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?

What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?

What is your favorite color? (Answer) Mine too!

What is your first name? Hmm, that goes kinda well with my last name. (switch if female asking a male)

What sort of person are you looking? Wait- don't tell me: medium height, blue eyes, etc…

What time do you have to be back in heaven?

What would you do if I kissed you right now?

What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?

What's a nice girl like you doing talking to a loser like me?

What's that on your face? Oh, must just be beauty. Here, let me get it off. Hey, it's not coming off!

What's the name of your perfume? "Catch of the Day?"

When God made you, he was showing off.

When I look into your eyes, it is like a gateway into the world of which I want to be a part.

When I marry I wonder if God will be mad that I stole one of his angels.

When I saw you from across the room, I passed out cold and hit my head on the floor…so I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.

When you look into the mirror holding up a dozen roses, you see the 13 most beautiful things in the world

When's our wedding date?

(While looking at stars) Baby, I didn't see any stars in the sky tonight, the most heavenly body was sitting right next to me.

Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.

You are a 9.9999. You'd be a perfect 10 if you were with me.

You are a beautiful girl, you have probably heard all the great pick up lines, so why dont' you just tell me the ones that worked so we can get past all that….?"

You are like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.

You are not a woman, you are an essence

You are so beautiful that I would marry your brother just to get into your family.

You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.

You are so sweet…I'm getting a toothache just looking at you…

You are the hottest thing since sunburn.

You know what? Your eyes are the same color as my Porsche.

You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.

You look beautiful today, just like every other day.

You look just like my mother.

You look like a big glass of water and I sure am thirsty!

You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book … So what's one more??

You look so good, I could put you on a plate and sop you up with a biscuit!

You make me melt like hot fudge on a sundae.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

You MUST have a nice personality.

You remind me of a magnet, because you sure are attracting me over here!

You remind me of a pop tart. (Why?) You're cool cause you're hot!

You Say: Looks like we're late." She Says: "For what?" You Say: "For dinner.

Your choice this time, I'm buying."

You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.

Your dad must have been retarded, 'cuz you are special.

Your daddy must be a terrorist, because baby- you da bomb!

Your earrings are the mirrors which reflect the moonlight into your eyes

Your eyes are as blue as my toilet water at home.

Your eyes have touched my soul

You're hotter than a Bunsen burner set to full power!

You're like a dictionary – you add meaning to my life!

You're so hot you would make the devil sweat.

You're ugly but you intrigue me.

You've got to refer me to your plastic surgeon.

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