Musings
Just stuff I found amusing.
Funny Words of Wisdom
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
4. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
5. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.
6. Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
7. Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.
8. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
9. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
10. Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"
11. My Reality Check bounced.
12. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
13. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
14. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
15. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
16. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
17. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.
18. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
19. Always forgive your enemies – Nothing annoys them so much.
20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
22. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
23. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
24. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
25. Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?
26. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
27. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
28. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
29. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
30. You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?
31. Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
32. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
33. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
34. Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !)
35. Death is hereditary.
36. There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.
37. An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
38. Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
39. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
40. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
41. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
42. Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
43. They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.
44. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
45. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
46. If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
47. Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.
48. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Mother’s Lessons
A friend shared this with me:
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY .
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA …
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING ..
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP .
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS .
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM .
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
And my favorite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
Only you folks my age understand these profound statements!!!
But, there is one missing from this list . . . . My personal all time favorite!!
My mother taught me about CHOICE .
"Do you want me to stop this car?"
Shampoo
Check your shampoo bottle label. I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!
It's the shampoo I use in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning: FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY!
No wonder I have been gaining weight!!! Well, I have now gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead. Their label reads: DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.
Problem Solved!!! If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!!!
I Once Swallowed a …
I once swallowed a bee, and broke out in hives.
I once swallowed an atom bomb, and had a-tomic ache.
I once swallowed a bullet and my hair came out in bangs.
I once swallowed a pillow, and as a result felt a little down in the mouth.
I knew a guy who swallowed two pennies. It didn't make cents.
I asked my doctor what I should do since I swallowed a roll of film. He said, "Let's just wait and see what develops."
The Author
I gave up writing my novel after the pencil lead broke. It's pointless.