humor
Go to Church, William!
On a sunny morning, William's mother came into her son's room and said, "William, it's Sunday. Time to get up! Time to get up and go to church! Get up!"
From under the covers came mumbles, "I don't want to go!"
"What do you mean?" she said. "That's silly! Now get up and get dressed and go to church!"
"No!" he shot back. "I'll give you two reasons. I don't like them and they don't like me!"
"Nonsense," she told him. "I'll give YOU two reasons to go. First, you are 42 years old, and second, you are the PASTOR!"
Staying in Bed
No comment needed…
We’re having a ‘yummy’ dinner tonight!
Two years ago in early June, I took my dad up fishing to Alaska at Elfin Cove. The King Salmon were supposed to be running, but they were at least 2-3 weeks late. Out of all the 10+ lodges at Elfin Cove, not one person caught a salmon that week (very disappointing).
We were on a second to last day there, when my dad hooked to what appeared about 25-30 lb. King. He had good fight and we could see it jumping out of the water as my dad began to reel it in. Everyone was excited. Not only was he catching a "King," but he would be the only one to have bragging rights.
About 50-100 yards off the boat, the King came up jumping out of the water. It was beautiful to see and just added to the anticipation of a delicious meal that night. Just as he was coming down, a seal appeared out of nowhere and chomped down on the King leaving nothing but a portion of the head dangling off the line!!
Silence fell upon the boat, followed by loud gasps of disbelief from each of us. The Chicken Alfredo we had for dinner that night was mediocre at best.
It’s hard work blowing up balloons!
I spent a lot of time blowing up balloons for my son's birthday, which was a few days ago. My wife went around with a pin today and destroyed them!
While she was doing it, I said, "You take my breath away!"
Messy Room
"How do you know when your room is too messy?"
Many of you know that I recently moved my business into the bonus room of my house. The room is filled with lots of open boxes yet to unpack and stuff is spread out all over the place. I hear my wife calling from downstairs.
Just as I leave the room and start to take the first step down the stairwell, I hear from behind me a great, prolonged crash of something falling. Since it was a loud crash and sounded like multiple things falling, I stopped quickly, and thought to myself, "Oh my, that doesn't sound good." I turned around and slowly entered the room expecting to instantly see the source of the noise. I glanced to the right, nothing. I glanced to the left, nothing. I looked in the closet, nothing. I looked at the multiple shelves and racks, nothing.
This begs to ask the original question: "How do you know when your room is too messy?"
It's too messy when, because of all the existing crap on the floor, you can't figure out what it was that fell. In reality, everything looks like it fell. How pathetic is that??!! I think it's time to do a little spring cleaning, don't you? :{
Hi-tech Church
PASTOR: "Praise the Lord!"
CONGREGATION: "Hallelujah!"
PASTOR: "Will everyone please turn on their tablet, PC, iPad, smart phone, and Kindle Bibles to 1 Cor 13:13.
And please switch on your Bluetooth to download the sermon."
P-a-u-s-e……
"Now, Let us pray committing this week into God's hands.
Open your Apps, BBM, Twitter and Facebook, and chat with God"
S-i-l-e-n-c-e
"As we take our Sunday tithes and offerings, please have your credit and debit cards ready."
"You can log on to the church wi-fi using the password 'Lord909887. ' "
The ushers will circulate mobile card swipe machines among the worshipers:
* Those who prefer to make electronic fund transfers are directed to computers and laptops at the rear of the church.
* Those who prefer to use iPads can open them.
* Those who prefer telephone banking, take out your cellphones to transfer your contributions to the church account.
The holy atmosphere of the Church becomes truly electrified as ALL the smart phones, iPads, PCs and laptops beep and flicker!
Final Blessing and Closing Announcements…
* This week's ministry cell meetings will be held on the various Facebook group pages where the usual group chatting takes place. Please log in and don't miss out.
* Thursday's Bible study will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs GMT. Please don't miss out.
* You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this weekend for counseling and prayers.
* God bless you and have nice day.
"You can log on to the church wi-fi using the password 'Lord909887. ' "
The ushers will circulate mobile card swipe machines among the worshipers:
* Those who prefer to use iPads can open them.
* Those who prefer telephone banking, take out your cellphones to transfer your contributions to the church account.
Final Blessing and Closing Announcements…
* Thursday's Bible study will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs GMT. Please don't miss out.
* You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this weekend for counseling and prayers.
* God bless you and have nice day.
Goal Setting
By the time we were finished, my voice was getting hoarse from talking so much and long. He gets up and says,
"Thanks Dad! That was really helpful. I'll get going on them next week some time…"
I feel like Charlie Brown, i.e. "ARRRGHHH!"
(Note: He was trying to be funny when he said that. I laughed and really enjoyed his humor)
Beards of Ministry
Padded Bra
A friend of mine sent me a courtesy copy of an email today that he was sending to his daughters. The subject line read:
"Info – Padded Bra"
I gotta tell you, being a guy, the subject matter itself peaked my interest. However, what I read next absolutely shocked me.
Juli, Cari and Sheli. You all need one of these.
DAD
I thought to myself, "Wow! Is this guy stupid?"
No intelligent-thinking man (or one that wishes to remain alive) should ever tell a small-chested woman that she needs a 'padded bra.'
It wasn't until I watched the video clip link he included with his email that everything fell into place for me (pun not intended). Turns out, the video shows a new concealed gun holster for women that attaches to their bra.
My friend, a strong supporter of personal protection, was encouraging his daughters to buy one of these, not a 'padded bra!' Context makes all the difference! I gotta say, this is pretty cool.
http://www.youtube.com/embed/Nhr8kG6PEOc?feature=player_detailpage