Church Humor

Humor that people who go to church will find funny.

Difference Between Praise Choruses and Hymns


A man accustomed to a mainline church went to a seekers’ service one Sunday. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.

“Well,” he said, “it was interesting. They did something different. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns.

“Praise choruses?” said his wife. “What are those?”

“They’re sort of like hymns, only different,” said the man.

“What’s the difference?” asked his wife.

He replied, “Well, it’s like this. If I were to say to you,

Martha, the cows are in the corn,’ that would be a hymn. Suppose, on the other hand, I were to say to you:

‘Martha, Martha, Martha,
Oh, Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA,
the cows, the big cows, the white cows, the black and white cows,
the COWS, COWS, COWS are in the corn,
are in the corn, are in the corn,
are in the CORN, CORN, CORN.

Then, if I were to repeat the whole thing five or six times, that would be a praise chorus.”

Church Bloopers

bloopersThey're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with computers. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: 


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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. 
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' 
 ————————– 
 Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. 
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 Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. 
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 Don't let worry kill you off – let the Church help. 
 ————————– 
 Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 
 ————————– 
 For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 
 ————————– 
 Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 
 ————————– 
 Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 
 ————————– 
 A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 
 ————————– 
 At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice 
 ————————– 
 Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 
 ————————– 
 Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 
 ————————– 
 Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. 
 ————————– 
 The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. 
 ————————– 
 Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow. 
 ————————– 
 The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 
 ————————– 
 This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. 
 ————————– 
 Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done. 
 ————————– 
 The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 
 ————————– 
 Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. 
 –————————- 
 The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 
 ————————– 
 Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 
 ————————– 
 The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.

 

The Pen

In church, I sit on the aisle seat. Across the aisle, one row forward, sat a father (approx 6'6" in height) also in the aisle seat, with his two very young daughters seated next to him. Somewhere during the announcements, the children are instructed to get out of their seats and head to their respective Sunday School classes.

Dressed in their frilly pink dresses, and cuter than a button, both attract a lot of attention as they, with great effort, noisily climb (what must seem to them like Mt. Everest) over the long lanky legs of their father. The first girl reaches the aisle and runs towards the back as her younger sister (best described as a "knee-nibbler") struggles to negotiate the knee terrain.

After much effort, she proudly reaches the aisle and pauses to survey the number of people who are now looking at her, no doubt enjoying and celebrating her accomplishment and moment. Clasped in her right hand is a rather expensive silver pen.

The father extends his palm out and says, "Give it to me."

Somewhat confused by his request, she turns in a 360 degree motion as though in slow motion, both hands raised in the air, pen tightly held, looking for a clue from any onlooker as to discern what her father wants.

The father extends his palm a bit further, and once again (but more firmly, yet still gentle) says, "Give it to me."

Somewhere during the 2nd iteration of her turn, her face lights up, a big smile crosses her face, and in a moment of epiphany, she understands with clarity what her father is asking of her.

With her left-hand she grabs the pen from her right hand. And then without hesitation, winds up her right-hand, and in a full downward motion plants a loud, echoing, and no doubt painful 'high-5" hand slap onto the extended palm of her father.

With pen in hand, she rushes down the aisle to follow after her older sister. The father, hand still extended and throbbing, with a sheepish grin lifts his eyes to survey the number of witnesses who are now laughing uncontrollably. With head tilted down, and with determination, his imposing frame rises from the chair and he too heads down the aisle.

Moments later, like a proud hunter with his prey, he returns with the silver pen grasped tightly in his grip. Acknowledging the admiring spectators with a smile and gentle nod of his head to each, he sits down to enjoy the rest of the service.

We all smile.

Church Jokes

smiling-manA woman called on the Baptist minister and asked him if he would preach a funeral for her dog who had just died.  "I can't do that, ma'am," he said. "Why don't you try the Presbytarian minister?"

"All right," she said, "but can you give me some advice.  How much should I pay him – three hundred dollars or four hundred dollars?"

"Hold on," he said, "I didn't know your dog was Baptist!"

Hymns for People Over 50

Give Me the Old Timers Religion

Precious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up

Just a Slower Walk with Thee

Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up

Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing

Guide Me O Thou Great Lord God, I've Forgotten Where I've Parked The Car

Count Your Many Birthdays, Count Them One By One

Blessed Insurance

It Is Well With My Soul, But My Knees Hurt

Boaz

What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
ANS:  Ruthless.

Lawbreaker

Which man in the Bible was the most flagrant lawbreaker?

ANS:  Moses. He broke all ten commandments at once.