humor

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Marvel of Science

We went to Ye Old Spaghetti Factory to celebrate 4 birthdays of the family (December is a tough month). For my birthday, my twin sister gave me a little handheld device about the size of a transistor radio. It’s called the ‘Sound Machine.” sound effects

It has about 12-15 little buttons that, when pushed, make sounds like clapping, laughing, cash register ‘ka-ching’, belching, passing gas, etc.

What a wonderful gift! Can’t wait to be more obnoxious than I already am. Last night I stood up at our dinner table (there was about 11 of us) and I told a joke, then pushed the ‘laugh’ button. I told everyone “what a joy it was for me to here.” Then I pressed the ‘clapping’ button. “Thank-you, Thank-you…I’ll be here all night.”

My sister bent over to pick up her fallen napkin. I pressed the ‘passing gas’ button. It brought down the house!” Did I forget to tell you, ‘What a wonderful gift.’

Everyone at the table must have enjoyed my use of the device since it wasn’t long before all of them were looking at me intensely (glaring actually), saying my name, “W-A-Y-Y-N-N-E !!!!” The attention I received was intoxicating.

Apparently, everyone desired it for themselves. Several people tried to grab it from me. “Sorry” I said, “you’ll have to buy your own.”

As we left the restaurant, I put my arm around my daughter’s back holding this little marvel of science. I wanted to make sure that when I pushed a button the sound would appear to emanate from her and not me. I pushed the “belch” button.

A big long “b-u-u-u-u-r-r-r-r-p-p-p” rang out. I recoiled in disgust as I pulled away from her. “BRIANA!!!” I had a great laugh.

Can’t wait to see who else will enjoy this wonderful little gift with me!

Someday Dad, I wanna ….

boy thinkingWe’re eating breakfast together. It’s somewhat quiet. Pretty much all you can hear is the crunch of the cereal. All of a sudden my son blurts out (as though he’s given a good deal of thought to what he’s about to say), “You know, Dad, someday I’m going to climb to the very top of a small mountain to watch the sunrise!”

“Huh?” I’m thinking to myself somewhat taken back.

Then, realizing what he just said, and no doubt considering the amount of effort that would be exerted to accomplish such a task, he revised his statement, “…perhaps a small hill!”

“That’s great, son!” I responded. “Your goals should never exceed your grasp.”

I continued, “Strive for mediocrity, son. You’ll go ‘high places’ with that attitude.”

I shook my head sighing as he smiled, stroked his chin, and nodded his head in self-affirmation and satisfaction of his future goals.

More Funny Pick-up Lines for Christians

More Funny Christian Pick-up Lines:flirting

1. Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives… Because he never met you. 

2. How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me? 

3. How would you like to join my Purpose Driven Life? 

4. Unfortunately I can’t perform miracles and I’ve only got enough bread and fish for 2 people. 

5. I believe one of my ribs belongs to you. 

6. If we were around with Noah… then you + me = pair. 

7. Me + You = Song of Songs: the remix. 

8. So last night I was reading in the book of Numbers, and then I realized, I don’t have yours. 

9. Hey, I’m Will. God’s will. (This one helps if your actual name is Will). 

10. I didn’t know angels flew this low. 

11. Is it hot in here or is that just the Holy Spirit burning inside of you? 

12. Is your name Faith? ‘Cause you’re the substance of things I’ve hoped for. 

13. I didn’t believe in predestination until tonight. 

14. Is it a sin that you stole my heart? 

15. I just want you to know, I’m praying for you… No, I’m praying “FOR” you. 

16. I’m usually not very prophetic, but I can see us together. 

17. We talk a lot about being spirit-led. Well, the spirit led me straight to you. 

18. Is this the transfiguration? Because you are glowing. 

19. Is that a thinline, duo-tone, compact, ESV Travel Bible in your pocket? 

20. I’m interested in full time ministry, and not only that… I also play the guitar. 

21. I have familiarized myself with all 5 love languages, in fact, I invented 4 of them. 

22. I mentioned you in my testimony. 

23. Your hair is like a flock of goats.

 

Source:  http://margaretfeinberg.com/23-of-the-best-christian-pick-up-lines/#sthash.GnS7zF7i.dpuf

Contractions

My wife is complaining about her keyboard on her mini-ipad.ipad-keyboard

"I can't stand this keyboard! If I want to write a contraction, I have to push another button to go to a different keyboard set just to get the apostrophe."

Perturbed and almost shouting, she continued, " I CAN NOT WRITE A SENTENCE WITHOUT USING A CONTRACTION!!!""

"Hmmm…" I countered. You seem to have no problem saying a sentence without a contraction."

She paused, then smiled slightly realizing what she had just said. Her expression changed quickly…

"Never mind!" as she lifted her keyboard in front of her face, blocking my view of her.

Disorder in the Court

court

 

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 


 

The Impatient Driver

impatient_driverSo, two nights ago I'm taking my family to Applebees Restaurant for dinner. We're driving on a residential street with a 35 MPH speed limit. I, of course as usual, was obeying the law. Behind me is a young male driver in his late model sporty BMW convertible only a few feet off my bumper.

I stay the course refusing to be intimidated by anyone, especially by Richie Rich. We pull up to the main intersection and wait for the red light to turn green. Junior, now only inches from my bumper, impatiently revs his engine.

The light turns green, I take a left into the inside lane of a 4-lane main drag, while "Mr. I'm So Inconvenienced" puts the pedal to the medal and shoots past me on the right like a bat out of hell. 

Oh! I'm not the only one who is taking up his precious road. Noooooooo! Not far up in front of him in his lane is another car. So he guns it even more and swerves into my lane in front of me without signalling and then right back into the lane in front of the car he just passed.

I turned to my wife. "Wow!" I said. "I wish I could be as cool and tough as that kid and break the law whenever I wanted."

Apparently the cop, who seemingly appeared out of nowhere, now racing past me with lights flashing and siren blaring disagreed with my sentiments. Within a few hundred yards he pulled over Mr. Speed Racer.

Another couple hundred feet, we turned into Applebees. As we entered the restaurant door, I could not help but offer a fist-pump into the air accompanied with a big "YESSSSSSSSSS!!!!"

As we sat and ate our meal, I gazed out the window. Down the street, I could see the policeman still writing out a well-deserved ticket. "Dinner never tasted so good!" I exclaimed to my family with the biggest grin on my face.

 

 

In the Presence of Royalty

kingAfter reading one of my posts [ "Who's On First"  http://whimsicalbanter.com/?p=483], my friend Deborah shared this delightful story:

"Years ago my husband And I were on a harbor dinner cruise for work employees. The director was also there. This director had a reputation for being rather aloof and expected people to treat him like royalty, as if to bow in his presence so to speak.

Well during the cruise, I introduced myself as Peter's wife, and his position as a point of reference. To be more formal I employed proper protocol and shook the director's hand and called him "Mister _______." Evidently the man respected or appreciated the honor (and perhaps also wanted to refute his "royalist" reputation).

He smiled warmly, insisting on me calling him by his first name by simply saying 2 words "Neil, please." (It was too perfect a segue for me to pass up) Considering it a verbal instruction, that's exactly what I did! Suddenly people on the boat began to surround that scene, to see me kneeling before the director!

But what followed was even better. Then the director did something very unexpected. Neil began to kneel too, before me, right there on the boat in front of all those employees! I am probably the only one to ever have brought this man to his knees literally… all because "kneel" and "Neil" are homonyms!

 

Who’s On First?

whosonfirstAbbott and Costello are known for their incredibly funny routine, "Who's On First?"  [see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTcRRaXV-fg].

I experienced a similar situation yesterday. I was at my sister's house for a 4th of July BBQ. The house sits on a beautiful water inlet. The inlet is narrow, so the homes located on the other side of the inlet are easily seen. A number of us were in the backyard seated on the sundeck enjoying a spectacular fireworks display over the water.

My sister encouages all of us attending to invite friends, so there were a number of people there I did not know. Two gals had arrived late and missed the BBQ, so they ordered home-delivered pizza.  As they walked pass us with their rather large pizza slices in hand, I teasingly asked one of them, "Are you sharin' ??"

She turned around and said, "Yes."

I waited for her to offer some pizza. Instead, she stood there in silence, not moving.

After an awkward pause, I gently coaxed, "Well???"

She cocked her head and looked at me inquistively.

I repeated, "sharin' ??"

"Yes!" she repeated emphatically. 
 

All of us on the deck looked at each other with confused looks. Almost in unison we all broke out into laughter as the gal continued,  "My name is Sharon!  How did you know my name?"

Once we explained the misunderstanding we all laughed together. She continued on down the beach toward the campfire, pizza slice still in her hand.

As for knowing her name, the name tag on her shirt was a dead give-away.

More Church Bulletin Bloopers

The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge–Up Yours”

The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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