Church Humor

Humor that people who go to church will find funny.

More Funny Pick-up Lines for Christians

More Funny Christian Pick-up Lines:flirting

1. Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives… Because he never met you. 

2. How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me? 

3. How would you like to join my Purpose Driven Life? 

4. Unfortunately I can’t perform miracles and I’ve only got enough bread and fish for 2 people. 

5. I believe one of my ribs belongs to you. 

6. If we were around with Noah… then you + me = pair. 

7. Me + You = Song of Songs: the remix. 

8. So last night I was reading in the book of Numbers, and then I realized, I don’t have yours. 

9. Hey, I’m Will. God’s will. (This one helps if your actual name is Will). 

10. I didn’t know angels flew this low. 

11. Is it hot in here or is that just the Holy Spirit burning inside of you? 

12. Is your name Faith? ‘Cause you’re the substance of things I’ve hoped for. 

13. I didn’t believe in predestination until tonight. 

14. Is it a sin that you stole my heart? 

15. I just want you to know, I’m praying for you… No, I’m praying “FOR” you. 

16. I’m usually not very prophetic, but I can see us together. 

17. We talk a lot about being spirit-led. Well, the spirit led me straight to you. 

18. Is this the transfiguration? Because you are glowing. 

19. Is that a thinline, duo-tone, compact, ESV Travel Bible in your pocket? 

20. I’m interested in full time ministry, and not only that… I also play the guitar. 

21. I have familiarized myself with all 5 love languages, in fact, I invented 4 of them. 

22. I mentioned you in my testimony. 

23. Your hair is like a flock of goats.



More Church Bulletin Bloopers

The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge–Up Yours”

The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Go to Church, William!

On a sunny morning, William's mother came into her son's room and said, "William, it's Sunday. Time to get up! Time to get up and go to church! Get up!"

From under the covers came mumbles, "I don't want to go!"

"What do you mean?" she said. "That's silly! Now get up and get dressed and go to church!"

"No!" he shot back. "I'll give you two reasons. I don't like them and they don't like me!"

"Nonsense," she told him. "I'll give YOU two reasons to go. First, you are 42 years old, and second, you are the PASTOR!"



Hi-tech Church

PASTOR: "Praise the Lord!"
CONGREGATION: "Hallelujah!"
PASTOR: "Will everyone please turn on their tablet, PC, iPad, smart phone, and Kindle Bibles to 1 Cor 13:13.
And please switch on your Bluetooth to download the sermon."
"Now, Let us pray committing this week into God's hands.
Open your Apps, BBM, Twitter and Facebook, and chat with God"

"As we take our Sunday tithes and offerings, please have your credit and debit cards ready."
"You can log on to the church wi-fi using the password 'Lord909887. ' "
The ushers will circulate mobile card swipe machines among the worshipers:

* Those who prefer to make electronic fund transfers are directed to computers and laptops at the rear of the church.
* Those who prefer to use iPads can open them.
* Those who prefer telephone banking, take out your cellphones to transfer your contributions to the church account.

The holy atmosphere of the Church becomes truly electrified as ALL the smart phones, iPads, PCs and laptops beep and flicker!
Final Blessing and Closing Announcements…

* This week's ministry cell meetings will be held on the various Facebook group pages where the usual group chatting takes place. Please log in and don't miss out.
* Thursday's Bible study will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs GMT. Please don't miss out.
* You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this weekend for counseling and prayers.
* God bless you and have nice day.


How To Get Money Out Of Your Pastor‏


How To Get Money Out Of Your Pastor‏

pickpocketThis was the title of the email I received from the magazine 'Church Production.' I thought to myself, now there's a provocative title. It intrigued me enough to click on the link.

I read with eager anticipation the strategies I might gain by reading the article. I should have known better, based on the magazines title and content. It wasn't an article on how to make your pastor your own personal ATM machine, but rather had to do with budgeting and getting funding for a/v equipment upgrades.

Pastor, you may rest easy and be assured that your wallet is safe…for now….



Where is Everybody?


tumbleweekIt was about 9:45am and I went outside to put a letter in the mailbox. I looked up and down the street in both directions and it seemed strangely quiet, i.e., no cars, no people, no birds tweeting.

Definitely not normal for this time of the morning. I stood there waiting for a little longer, but still absolutely no activity in the neighborhood.

Someone had parked a car in front of my house. As I passed by it on my way to the mailbox, I glanced into the window of the car. There on the passenger's side, was a book whose title was facing me. The title:  "Left Behind"  !!!

Being a bit melodramatic, I place both hands to my cheeks, hear Twilight-Zone type dissonant music in my head, and scream, "Noooooooooooooooooooooo"