Monthly Archives: April 2013

Sparks fly in bed!

bell Rock_smlMy wife, Sybil, and I are on vacation in Sedona, AZ.  The area is very hot, dry, and has a host of interesting animals, birds, and insects. 

We had just finished a rather exhausting day of hiking (code for walking around town) and exploring the beautiful area. We were very tired and both settled into bed for a much needed rest. The room was dark and the steady purr of the air conditioner made the condition just perfect to fall asleep quickly. I had just fallen to sleep when suddenly Sybil screams, pulls her blankets back, jolts up out of bed, and flips the lights on.

"What??!!!!!!"  I asked with great concern, as I am ripped from my sleep and jump out of bed ready to fight off any would-be assailant of my wife.

"There's flashing lights in the bed!"  she says with great fear.

"Flashing lights?!!!" I ask. 

"I think they might be lightening bugs!" she says.

"Sedona doesn't have any lightening bugs."

"Well, something is in there flashing!" she says as she pulls back the sheets slowly with apprehension.  "Do you see anything?"

I look carefully. There is nothing.  "Now, now, climb back into bed and get some sleep." I advised

Sensing that I am humoring her in a condescending way, she says, "Really!  I saw something."

She continues, "Turn off the lights, I'll prove it to you!"

I turn the lights off…..we wait….and wait….and wait………….nothing.

"Get back into bed!" I instruct, still tired, but now wound up. 

woman-under-coversShe climbs back into bed, puts the covers back over herself, and shifts her body back and forth a few times. I flip the light off.

"I wonder if I'll see any more lights?"  she says as she pulls her blankets up in the air to peek under her covers.

As she does that, we both see a number of bright sparks and discharge snaps.

"Oh, Sybil!" I groan.  "That's static electricity!!!" 
 

Sheepishly, she says,"Oh, I thought they were lightning bugs, at first."

As she sees me roll my eyes, her demeanor changes and she states with certainty, "Of course, I know it's static electricity!  Anyone can see that!"

"Good night, dear." I gently say as roll over to go 'back' to sleep.

"Good night!" she states with finality. She settles back down into bed.
 

A short pause…then a very softly muted mutter, "…they could have been lightening bugs!"

 

 

 

Just Wait

In the mid-70's, I traveled in a Christian Band duo throughout the Northwest and Canada.  Our extended Dodge cargo van carried both us and our equipment. If you know anything about cargo vans, the only windows they have are those for the front driver and passenger. Given that we were traveling in the desert area of Eastern Washington during summertime with temperatures ranging in the 105-109 degrees area, and that we had no air conditioning, we had our windows down providing only a modest amount of relief.

We were traveling through a small town on our way to sing at a church. Steve, my partner, was driving, and  I was the passenger.  I was being particularly, his words, "obnoxious"  (I prefer the phrase 'witty and entertaining'). It was very hot, we were both sweating profusely and particularly uncomfortable (due to the inadequate air flow in the cab), and he began to be annoyed with me. Having had enough of my whimsical banter, he suddenly pulled over to the side of the curb by a little green grassy park, put the car in neutral, foot still on the brake left the engine running, and just sat there looking straight out the front of the window.

I began to pummel him with lots of nagging questions:  "Don't you know we have to be at the church in 45 minutes?" "Don't you know it's hot?"  "I can't breathe!" "I'm suffocating here!"  "We need more fresh air coming through the window."   "Why are we stopping here?"  "CAN WE GO?!!"

He slowly turned his head to me and responded, "Just wait."

"Wait for what?"  I asked.

"Just wait." he repeated.

I'm beginning to wonder if  he was suffering from a heat stroke.  As I turned my head to look out my passenger window to get my bearings, I was struck directly in the face with a  jet of water coming from the park's rotating sprinkler system.  Gasping for air and wiping my completely wet soaked head, I turned my gaze back to Steve.

"Now we can go."  he calmly said with a wry smile on his face.

He put the van in drive and continued on with our journey. I sat quiet, keeping my 'witty and entertaining'  words to myself.

 

 

Euphemisms

Yesterday, I was talking to my son about different words and their meaning.  One of the words was 'euphemism.'   A euphemism is a generally innocuous word or expression used in place of one that may be found offensive or suggest something unpleasant.  For example, 'he passed away' rather than 'he died.'

I work out of my home, so today I came down from my upstairs office, plopped myself down in front of the TV, and began to eat lunch. After 15-20 minutes I advised my son, who now was in the kitchen fixing in his own lunch, that I needed to get up and go back to work.

"Oh dad, you don't need to do that!  Just stay there and relax more." he said.

I responded, "That's very tempting, but I better get back to work."

He said, "I know I'm not being a big help to you. I'm like the 'bad advice guy' on your shoulder."

"BAD ADVICE GUY??!!!" I queried. "You mean like the devil and angel?"

"Yeah!" he answered, "But I didn't want to call myself the 'Devil.'

"You know what that is, son?" I began, seizing the opportunity to capitalize on yesterday's lesson, "It's a …."

He interupts me and shouts out, "EUPHEMISM !!!"

I smiled as I went back to work, pleased that at least one of my lessons to my son did not go unheard.

"

Only a man would attempt this!

A friend posted this on Facebook. I couldn't stop laughing. It sounds like something I would do.  I just had to share it here.

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.gal_taser1

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home… I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

  • a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
  • a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
  • a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
  • Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE… !!!

zappedI'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

  • My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
  • The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
  • My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
  • My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
  • I had no control over the drooling.
  • Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
  • I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
  • I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

Rules for Women

Here are a set of rules created by men for women:
 

  1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

  2. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

  3. Crying is blackmail.

  1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

  2. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

  3. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

  4. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

  5. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

  6. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

  7. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

  8. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

  9. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

  1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

  2. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

  3. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

  4. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

  5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

  6. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

  7. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

  8. You have enough clothes.

  9. You have too many shoes.

  10. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

  11. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

  12. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

  13. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.