Monthly Archives: March 2013

I’m not deaf!!!

not deafMy car has all the bells and whistles.  Most components in the car (radio, navigation, phone, etc.) can be controlled by voice commands. A button must be first pushed to activate the listening mode. The little mic is right above the driver's head. Push the button, issue your command, and wait for the command to be executed. Simple.

My wife and I attended a special birthday party for a friend at a local restaurant. After the party, we left and climbed into the car. I started the car and the GPS display panel lights up. It has two modes, daylight (black text on bright white background) and night time (soft grey text on black background). Since we arrived while it was light outside, the display was still in daylight mode. It was dark now, and the blinding display looked like a flashlight shining back onto our faces.

Just as I was pulling out of the parking lot my wife leans over towards me, and with a very LOUD voice, yells "NIGHT TIME MODE!!!" 

I'm so startled at this unexpected outburst, I nearly lose control of the car.

Recovering from the near accident, ears still throbbing,  I advise her, "A button needs to be pushed before you issue a command!"

"Oh, I thought it was listening all the time." she responds.

"Even if it was," I countered, "it's not deaf !!! You don't have to yell so loud!"

"I just wanted to make sure it heard me loud and clear."

"All you need to do is to speak clearly." I instructed. "Believe me, it will hear you 'loud and clear.'"

I pushed the button and said, "Go ahead…speak."  She spoke. It changed to night-time mode. She settled back into her chair and smiled, obviously pleased with her great accomplishment. My ears are still ringing.


Can’t Win

While driving to a restaurant, the conversation came up about people with awkward social skills. My son says he has great social skills and can carry on a interesting conversation with anyone.

My wife counters, "Yea, except you're argumentative!"

My son quickly comes back with, "No I'm…"

He stops speaking, realizing this is not an arguement he can win. 

Funny Pick-Up Lines

A song from your lips is an aria from heaven.

Are you a parking ticket? (What?) You got fine written all over you.

Are you a tamale? 'Cause you're hot.

As she's leaving….Hey aren't you forgetting something? She: What? Me!

Ask a woman for the time. "10:30? So today is January 10,1999, at 10:30 PM, thanks I just wanted to be able to remember the exact moment that I met you."

Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call fine print

Baby, somebody better call God, cuz he's missing an angel!

Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.

Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.

Can i get your picture to prove to all my friends that angels really do exist?

Can I have directions? [“To where?”] To your heart.

(Close hand with nothing inside and give it to her) It's my breath from when you took it away (open palm while saying this).

Coffee? Tea? Me?

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?

Did you have Campbell's soup today? (she answers yes/no) Because you're lookin' mmm… mmm… good!

Do you have room in your life for another friend?

Do you have the time? [Gives the time] No, the time to write down my number?

Does Levi's pay you for wearing those and looking that good?

Does my breath smell okay?

Does your watch have a second hand? I want to know how long it took for me to fall in love with you.

Don't walk into that building — the sprinklers might go off!

Don't you know me from somewhere?

Ever since I met you, you've lived in my heart without paying any rent.

Excuse me miss, I don't mean to stare, but um I think you're really Beautiful"

Excuse me miss? You dropped something back there? (As you look around you ask "where") Over there! (Ask again: "What did I drop?") He answers back: My jaw!

Excuse me, but did you happen to find my Nobel Peace Prize?

Excuse me, I don't want you to think I'm ridiculous or anything, but you are the most gorgeous girl/guy I have ever seen. I just felt like I had to tell you.

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

Excuse me, I think you have something in your eye. Nope, it's just a sparkle.

Excuse me, I'm looking for a friend…do you want to be my friend?

Excuse me, is that your perfume that you are wearing?

Good evening. May a thorn sit down amongst the roses?

Great choice of clothes, they match the trim in the Jag

Guy: What's your name? Girl: Danielle Guy: Oh… I thought it was Aphrodite.

Guy: Did I see u somewhere? Girl: No Guy: Then I must of seen you in my dreams! (works everytime)

I've seen till I gazed into your eyes

He: You look like my third wife. She: Oh, how many time have you been married? He: Twice.

Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart.

Hello. Are you taking any applications for a boy/girlfriend?

Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.

Hey, come here often? You could, with me.

Hey, don't frown – you'll never know who might be falling in love with your smile.

Hey, don't I know you? Yeah, you're the girl/guy with the beautiful smile.

Hey, haven't I seen you before? I remember, it was in my dreams!

Hey, how did you do that? (What?) Look so good?

Hey, I lost my phone number … Can I have yours?

Hey, Laura! (Big hug). I haven't seen you forEVER!! (huge kiss) Wow, you've really changed! (I'm not Laura) What? Oh my God, you even changed your name!

Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?

Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

Hi, my name's Right…Mr. Right.

Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

Hi. Are you cute?

Hi. I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?

Hi. My name is {name}. I'm running for president in 2012. And I could sure use your vote. Here…write down your number and I'll call you to discuss my platform.

I don't know you, but I think I love you already.

I dropped a tear in the ocean, the day I find it is the day I'll stop loving you.

I envy your lipstick.

I have a cat. She would really like to meet you.

I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?

I have only three months to live.

I must be a snowflake, 'cuz I've fallen for you.

I must be in heaven because I'm standing next to you!

I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.

I never thought that heaven would be so close to me"

I play the field, and it looks like I just hit a home run with you.

I saw you, I had an asthma attack because you took my breath away!

I think I feel like Richard Gere – I'm standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.

I think I must be dying because I'm looking at Heaven.

I think my medication is wearing off.

I think you've got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's just a sparkle.

I tried to find the perfect line to make you mine, sweetheart, but after searching all I could come up with was this look in my eyes and your hand in mine, and the words, will you be mine?

If a star fell for every time i thought of you, the sky would be empty.

If beauty were a grain of sand, you'd be a million beaches.

If beauty were sunlight, you'd shine from a million light-years away.

If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity.

If God made anything more pretty, I'm sure he'd keep it for himself.

If I could be anything I'd be a tear: Born in your eye, live on your cheek, and die at your lips.

If water were beauty you'd be the ocean.

If you know a person's name: "Hi, [name]." How did you know my name? "Isn't every beautiful girl named that?"

If you were a laser, you'd be set on "stunning".

If you were a library book, I would check you out.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.

I'm addicted to yes, and I'm allergic to no. So what's it gonna be?

I'm feeling kind of insecure right now. Could I have a hug?

I'm invisible. (Really?) Can you see me? (Yes) How about tomorrow night?

I'm looking for a friend…do you want to be my friend?

Is that baby oil on your forehead? Cause you shine like an angel.

Is there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I've been searching for!

Is there an airport nearby or is that my heart taking off?

Is your daddy a thief? [“No.”] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say “yes.”]

Is your name Gillette? Because you're the best a man can get

It must be a day off in heaven for an angel like you to be amongst us.

It must be dark outside. 'Cause all the sunshine in the world is right here.

It's always good for you to see me again.

It's my birthday! How about a birthday kiss? [Is it really your birthday?]

No, but how about a kiss anyway?

It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.

I've been noticing you not noticing me.

I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade.

[Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?", say "Checking to see if you were made in heaven."

Man, you sure are bright girl! Were you raised by the stars?

Many people will walk in and out of your life. But only lovers will leave a footprint on your heart. And you my dear have left one great leap on mine!

May I have the distinguished honor and privilege of sitting next to you?

My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.

My psychiatrist sent me for an MRI because she thinks I have a magnetic personality.

Nice to meet you, I'm (your name) and you are…gorgeous!

Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!

Ok, I'm here, what do you want for your next wish?

Please don't go or else I will have to make a report to the cops….u stole my heart

Pull my finger.

Say, didn't we go to different schools together?

Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?

Smile if you want me!

So, are you going to give me your phone number, or am I going to have to stalk you?

That's a nice watch [Thank you] Actually, that’s a nice dress. [Again, thank you] Come to think of it, everything is nice on you.

The only thing your eyes haven't told me about you is your name.

There aren't enough "O"'s in the word "smooth" to describe how smooth you are.

Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this tall….I'm sitting on my wallet."

(Walk over to her)"Ok, you can stand next to me, as long as you don't talk about it."

Walk up to a guy/girl hold up a $100 (or more if you're desperate) dollar bill and rip it in half in front of his/her face write your phone number on half of it and hand it to them. Then say, "how about you call me tomorrow and we'll figure out a way to spend this money?"

Was you Father an Alien? Cos honey on planet earth there's nothing else like you!

Was your dad king for a day? He must have been to make a princess(or prince) like you.

Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?

What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?

What is your favorite color? (Answer) Mine too!

What is your first name? Hmm, that goes kinda well with my last name. (switch if female asking a male)

What sort of person are you looking? Wait- don't tell me: medium height, blue eyes, etc…

What time do you have to be back in heaven?

What would you do if I kissed you right now?

What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?

What's a nice girl like you doing talking to a loser like me?

What's that on your face? Oh, must just be beauty. Here, let me get it off. Hey, it's not coming off!

What's the name of your perfume? "Catch of the Day?"

When God made you, he was showing off.

When I look into your eyes, it is like a gateway into the world of which I want to be a part.

When I marry I wonder if God will be mad that I stole one of his angels.

When I saw you from across the room, I passed out cold and hit my head on the floor…so I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.

When you look into the mirror holding up a dozen roses, you see the 13 most beautiful things in the world

When's our wedding date?

(While looking at stars) Baby, I didn't see any stars in the sky tonight, the most heavenly body was sitting right next to me.

Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.

You are a 9.9999. You'd be a perfect 10 if you were with me.

You are a beautiful girl, you have probably heard all the great pick up lines, so why dont' you just tell me the ones that worked so we can get past all that….?"

You are like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.

You are not a woman, you are an essence

You are so beautiful that I would marry your brother just to get into your family.

You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.

You are so sweet…I'm getting a toothache just looking at you…

You are the hottest thing since sunburn.

You know what? Your eyes are the same color as my Porsche.

You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.

You look beautiful today, just like every other day.

You look just like my mother.

You look like a big glass of water and I sure am thirsty!

You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book … So what's one more??

You look so good, I could put you on a plate and sop you up with a biscuit!

You make me melt like hot fudge on a sundae.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

You MUST have a nice personality.

You remind me of a magnet, because you sure are attracting me over here!

You remind me of a pop tart. (Why?) You're cool cause you're hot!

You Say: Looks like we're late." She Says: "For what?" You Say: "For dinner.

Your choice this time, I'm buying."

You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.

Your dad must have been retarded, 'cuz you are special.

Your daddy must be a terrorist, because baby- you da bomb!

Your earrings are the mirrors which reflect the moonlight into your eyes

Your eyes are as blue as my toilet water at home.

Your eyes have touched my soul

You're hotter than a Bunsen burner set to full power!

You're like a dictionary – you add meaning to my life!

You're so hot you would make the devil sweat.

You're ugly but you intrigue me.

You've got to refer me to your plastic surgeon.

Difference Between Praise Choruses and Hymns

A man accustomed to a mainline church went to a seekers’ service one Sunday. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.

“Well,” he said, “it was interesting. They did something different. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns.

“Praise choruses?” said his wife. “What are those?”

“They’re sort of like hymns, only different,” said the man.

“What’s the difference?” asked his wife.

He replied, “Well, it’s like this. If I were to say to you,

Martha, the cows are in the corn,’ that would be a hymn. Suppose, on the other hand, I were to say to you:

‘Martha, Martha, Martha,
the cows, the big cows, the white cows, the black and white cows,
the COWS, COWS, COWS are in the corn,
are in the corn, are in the corn,
are in the CORN, CORN, CORN.

Then, if I were to repeat the whole thing five or six times, that would be a praise chorus.”

Funny Words of Wisdom

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
4. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
5. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.
6. Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
7. Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.
8. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
9. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
10. Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"
11. My Reality Check bounced.
12. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
13. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
14. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
15. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
16. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
17. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.
18. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
19. Always forgive your enemies – Nothing annoys them so much.
20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
22. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
23. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
24. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
25. Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?
26. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
27. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
28. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
29. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
30. You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?
31. Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
32. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
33. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
34. Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !)
35. Death is hereditary.
36. There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.
37. An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
38. Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
39. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
40. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
41. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
42. Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
43. They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.
44. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
45. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
46. If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
47. Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.
48. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Church Bloopers

bloopersThey're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with computers. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: 

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. 
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' 
 Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. 
 Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. 
 Don't let worry kill you off – let the Church help. 
 Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 
 For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 
 Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 
 Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 
 A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 
 At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice 
 Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 
 Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 
 Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. 
 The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. 
 Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow. 
 The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 
 This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. 
 Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done. 
 The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 
 Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. 
 The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 
 Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 
 The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.


Thanks Mom!

My wife often fixes tasty meals. On one occasion, my son must have really enjoyed the meal. He took extra portions and ate to a point where he was overstuffed. At the conclusion of the meal, he came up to my wife to extend his thanks:

"Thanks, Mom!  Dinner was great!  Boy, I feel sick!!"


How does one respond to that "compliment?"  "Ahhhh…you're welcome…I guess? "



Sarcastic Son

On my way home from church, I was talking about this web site with my kids.  I recommended that they subscribe to it since a lot of the funny stories were about them.

"Who's going to go to your site, dad?" my son sarcastically chimes in from the back seat.  He continues, "Heck, I can't even spell whimsical banter!"

I replied, "Keeps the illiterate out!"

Everyone (all authors and writers) in the car laughed…except my son.

Home from Surgery

When my 82-year mother arrived at home after hospital surgery, she was pleased to see that my father had made up the bed with fresh sheets and blankets. They retired early in the evening to go to bed. Since it was wintertime, their bedroom was a bit cool.

Like many couples, the husband likes his side cooler than the wife. Fortunately, they had an electric blanket with individual controls. Both set their controls to their preferred settings and dozed off to sleep.

During the night, my mother still recovering from surgery, got a bit cold. So she cranked the setting a bit higher.  Dad, like most men, was too warm, so he turned his setting down.  15 minutes later, she still feels chilled, so cranks the setting up really high.   Dad, feeling very uncomfortable and profusely sweating by now turns his control off.  Mom's freezing.

It turns out that while my dad was preparing the bed, he accidently flipped the electric blanket over the wrong way. Each was controlling the other's temperature without knowing it. She cranked it up and his side becomes a suana. He turns his control off, she freezes.

It's hard to blame dad. His heart was in the right place.  After all, he's 91 years old.